“One of my kids needs a lot more financial help than the other just because of her career and life choices. What kind of options do I have and how I divide the estate to help her out more?”
We recently received this question from a client, and it’s a tough one. It’s not just about the numbers—it’s about values, family harmony, and long-term planning.
Start with Your Values and Goals
Before jumping into the mechanics of gifting or dividing your estate, step back and ask:
- What is the purpose of the gift?
- What values am I trying to promote?
- What kind of legacy do I want to leave?
This is especially important when your children’s financial needs are very different. Are you trying to make sure each child ends up with equal financial footing? Or is the goal to treat them equally in terms of the amount you give, regardless of outcome?
The Risk of Uneven Gifting
It’s natural to want to help a child who’s struggling. But uneven gifts can create tension and long-lasting family animosity. Even if your intentions are good, differences in how much you give can be perceived as unfair—especially if the other child is doing well financially but feels overlooked.
If you do decide to gift unevenly, be open about your reasoning and communicate it clearly. Transparency around your values and intentions can go a long way in maintaining family harmony.
Know Their History with Money
Any gift you make—whether now or through your estate—will amplify your child’s financial habits. If a child has a poor relationship with money, more money won’t fix it; it could make the problem worse.
Ask yourself:
- Have they demonstrated financial responsibility?
- Would the gift help them move forward, or would it enable bad habits?
Different Ways to Balance
Sometimes, the solution is to vary the timing rather than the total.
- You might give more to a child who needs help now but plan for the other child to inherit a larger share later.
- Or you could set conditions around how gifts are used. For example, trusts can ensure distributions go only toward education, housing, or specific expenses.
Trusts also give you more control if you’re concerned about how the money might be managed after you’re gone.
The Bottom Line
Deciding how to help one child more than another is deeply personal. Start with your values, be honest about your intentions, and know that gifts—whether now or later—carry emotional weight as well as financial impact.
In some cases, working with a professional to structure the plan (and facilitate family conversations) can be invaluable.
For more perspective on navigating family gifting and estate planning, listen to the full podcast episode here.